Why do men cheat? This question has been on my mind for a while. This is because of this saying that states:
When hurting hearts, the truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.Cheryl Hughes.
One arguably proven notion about men is their specialty in hurting hearts. My good friend finally settled down.He’s 28. An amazing chap this man. Practicing lawyer. Very machiavellian. Witty, dapper and charming with broad shoulders and high cheekbones. I’m pretty sure he goes to the salon to get his beard done.No, he has no dirt on his nails. Before you start questioning his masculinity, it suffices to say that he’s a ladies’ man.You don’t have to be bearded to kick with him, he just is.
I knew he’d get here because It all started with a lie. He wasn’t a good time man. When we met over coffee a few years back, he was all about getting things together, and referred to ladies in his life as “besties”. His pep talk sounded something like;
“The world and its opportunities are too vast for me to settle early. I’ll marry when I’m forty. We men don’t lose our spark that fast, you know”
But life, women and time have a way of changing people. Women for the most part. He got a beauty and settled. I will leave out their randy honeymoon escapades but one thing is for sure, he was home.
Now we’re out having Hispanic machiatto, I’ll use that fancy name here just like weirdos call githeri succotash. His boyish grin is gone and his eye bags are heavy with days of anxiety. Beard still intact though.
“You look like a bag of sadness, what’s wrong?”
Oh, I’m shocked it took her this long to quit.That one was too tall an order for you, I chime in. Then I realize he’s not feeling my joke so I stop.
“She finally figured out my password.”
Oh, shit finally hit the fan. I think of a million things he could have done in that moment.Giving himself a pep talk and talking himself out of it. The man didn’t. Yaani he didn’t even try the stellar saving line, ‘I have so mush-room for you and only YOU in my heart.
The guilt of cheating
“I wish I had read the signs earlier. Why didn’t I win early? Last month I forgot her birthday. The other day I called her another lady’s name. I called her Caro.”
“Really bro, touchè”
There’s something queer about Caro’s and yes,they are bad news.Or so I think. I once made a voodoo doll and named her Caro. Caro was the meanest girl in my class. She was the first and only girl I ever punched. Don’t be like Caro. I’m digressing
“How did I become such a wuss and allow myself to fall for the thrills and insecurities?” He continues
Why men cheat.
“I just stopped loving her and pursuing her. She has been nothing but nice to me.Did I mention what an amazing mom she was? Moreover, everyone says she kills AGM meetings at Jimmy’s school. All the mean meals and get togethers are her handwork. My parents love her. How could I do this to her?”
“Yes man, you’re mean. I say. “I mean, she didn’t neglect you, how did you get here?”
“A distraction is what I needed. Work was taking a toll on me.”
“Did you tell her?”
“No. I just felt like I lost my touch. Everything happened so fast. I needed something new.”
“Church is new. You could’ve tried church.” I tell him and laugh.
He shruggs and adds,
“It couldn’t have pampered me the way I wanted to. I wanted someone to justify my sense of entitlement.I wanted a Harley Quinn.”
I really laugh at that.
“Does your wife really know you? Does she know your past?” I ask
“No she doesn’t. I didn’t want her to know that part of me. She was so perfect. I had scored a saint and I couldn’t let my past get in the way.”
Oh, so you’re a liar and a cheat, huh?
I ask sarcastically,like a counsellor, legs over each other, hands folded and yes,taking a side. Counsellors always take sides.
I didn’t bring you here to make me feel worse.
“Are you happy?”
I ask sweetly because I’m so pure, I don’t know these things.
And folks, that is why men cheat.
A way out? For why men cheat?
“No ”he says.“ I think I need help. My wife thinks I have it all figured out and no, she has never pressured me. I take pride in protecting and providing for my family but I just don’t know when to stop.”
Deep down I wanted to tell him maybe it was because he was stupid. This man took care of his beard more than he did his wife, ha!
Yes. It was his fault.Faithfulness isn’t just happenstance. No. It’s not the conventional she made me do it situation,covered with flimsy reasons such as:
I was only flirting
You’re not the boss of me
You don’t satisfy me anymore.
It’s a biological imperative.
Most men think they don’t know what women want. On the contrary, I think they do. The problem is, they underestimate the emotional ramifications of their actions.(this may come as comfort to women scorned).
So here we are again. Another man adding to the statistic. What’s worse than not dealing with skeletons in your closet?
Cheating isn’t the way out.
Honesty and authenticity build strong foundations. Who said she needed him perfect? Maybe she fell in love with his illusion of real. In truth,you don’t get to choose for a man or a woman a package to fall in love with.Certainly,you don’t get to decide to keep secrets from her. In a world where we are accustomed to perfection,we need real. Because real is pretty perfect too.
There’s so much men can do rather than cheat. How about taking up a hobby,making the world a better place or actually talking to your significant other about your hurts and crafting a way to build a better relationship?
Truth or truth?
“Okay, you have messed up.In more ways than one. You’ll have to deal with this the right way. Even if it means shaving your beards.”
Finally he chuckles
“I didn’t come here to inflate your ego” I add.“We are going to deal with this.And I’ll need more Hispanic machiattos because this is going to be a long night.”